Understanding Our Kids

I had a friend as a guest this weekend. My husband entered the house, sat down in the lazy boy, then said, “I smell smoke… like fire.” I was sitting at the kitchen table typing on my computer. The kids kept playing. My friend looked at me, shocked. She asked Don where he smelled smoke. She started running around the house and sniffing in all directions. Her eyes were like saucers as she finally got so frustrated with us that she said, “Can I get some action here? He smells smoke and we are just sitting! Is there one Type A in this room who could help me out?” Don and I started laughing.



I know my husband (after 30 years) so well that I knew there was no fire. I knew he smelled something odd. My 10-year-old daughter felt badly for my friend and started to help come up with a solution. She finally determined that the smell was from Don’s shirt. He had cleaned the grill. Case closed; no fire.


This is how well we have to know our kids. We have to know what makes them tick; we have to know what motivates them, scares them, and what causes them to strive to meet their potentials. We not only need to know what motivates them but why it motivates them. We need to understand why they act in certain ways. This takes a lot of patience, listening and observing. But when we care enough to take the time, they know it. We understand what they need and we respond to those needs. They in turn respond with gratitude by trusting us.


It is no different with God. When we spend time with him, observe him and listen, we begin to understand that he is inviting us to share in his plans and how we can respond. God already has it down -- he knows us inside and out. After all, he created us. When we come to realize that God understands us and loves us just as we are, we trust him more. In the end, we all just want to be understood. We want to be invited to share in his plan. Because when we are understood and accepted, it is proof to us that we are loved. 

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Obey or Else!

Obedience from young children is the number one priority for most parents. After all, what is more humiliating than a kid flailing around the floor at the mall? Well, let me tell you from experience, not much. As my 5 year old threw himself on the floor, I wondered if this was just my fate or that of a million others.

Now I know that most good disciplinarians will tell you this is completely unacceptable, and it is. But who expects it to happen to them? I sure didn't. (Just to offer some hope, this youngster is now a successful adult.) I stood there at the mall, stunned. The problem with raising children who will someday lead is that they first practice all their potential tendencies toward leadership on us. I used to tell my kids that they should never come home and tell me one of their friends forced them to do something. They had practiced the word "no" too many times on me.


So how do we head them off at the pass?


First, convince yourself that obedience is necessary (it’s for more than sparing our own pride). Kids need to obey because it is through obedience that they find peace and security. Just take a moment to think about yourself. I grew up in Michigan. It was family procedure to take off our shoes as we entered the house. No one wore shoes into another person’s house. Snow damage prevention. The habit continued all year round. I moved to the South. I overheard a woman there complaining that she had visited a person’s house where a place was provided for her to take off her shoes at the door. She thought that was so rude. I quickly realized that the best way for me to be happy in my new environment was to learn the rules and obey them. This particular friend became my guide to the rules of southern hospitality. Once I learned them, I was comfortable and felt like a full-fledged Texan.


If our children never learn to obey, how will they ever really be able to settle down and enjoy life in the family? How will they feel part of the family? They will always be searching for what they are missing, frustrated because they cannot figure out how to make us happy and fit in. The Ten Commandments are the basic obedience rules for society. Archbishop Fulton Sheen said if we never obey the commandments, we will never know God any more than you can know golf without learning the rules. Scary, eh?


So how do we get our kids to obey? Do we threaten, bribe or manipulate them? This may be tempting, but no. We need to motivate our kids. Obedience will make them happy.


1. Each time you go into a new situation (like at the mall), tell them the rules ahead of time, just like my Texan friend did for me.


2. Then you have them practice.


3. As you walk through the mall and they are staying by your side, compliment them, tell them how you are so happy you brought them with you. This will motivate them.


4. You also need to have proper expectations. Do not tempt them to disobey by going past their breaking point. If you know your child cannot handle more than a half hour of quiet time in the mall, do not go beyond that. Hence, the cry rooms at Mass.


Remember, the lack of virtue in a young child is not the sign of a bad parent. It is the sign of a parent at work. After all, the kids have only been in the world a few years. How are they supposed to know all the rules? They do what feels good in the moment. We just have to help them see that obedience feels good in the best way. It makes a happy heart.  Practice JOYFUL OBEDIENCE with your K4J kids this year in the Jump for Jesus! Mission. 

Virtue is Virtually New Again

I was recently on a flight to New York and the gentleman sitting next to me asked me what I do. That is a dangerous question to ask since I could ramble on about K4J and what I do. But, I decided to take it easy on the guy. I just told him that I help create virtue education programs for kids. "Oh that is great" he replied, "I think virtual education is the way to go". Well, I was not sure if he really did not know what a virtue was or he did not hear me correctly and so I very carefully described our program so he would not become offended by my correction. But the truth is he did not know what a virtue was or why virtue was important.

Honestly, there was a time that I would have been in the same boat. We do not hear the word a lot and yet we spend a great deal of time on virtue education. Each time we try to teach a child to be patient, respectful, modest or generous, we are working on virtue. Each time we teach a child to stay away from something that could harm him, we are teaching virtue. Yet for most of us, it is not a deliberate action. It is much more natural and sometimes a reflex that comes from seeing something that our child does, that we do not like.

Teaching virtue does not have to be negative and it can become deliberate. Virtue can become virtually new again. This often requires a shift in the way we approach our children and discipline. Instead of only correcting children when they do wrong, we can find positive ways to motivate them to choose what is good.

Virtue is the predisposition to choose what is good. In other words, we have planted the desire for good in our children. They know what it looks like and they want to go for it. Whether you are at home, in the classroom, acting as a catechist or just being a friend, the results will be the same. You can help a child learn to be in control of themselves and become a leader.

To do the job well requires a few elements. The K4J Method has these 4 main elements built into the program and that is why it is successful. You can try them too.

1. Children need to understand what the good choice looks like. Therefore they need models that will enable them to clearly understand the joy of choosing virtue.
2. Children need to recognize their own faults. They have to do this on their own. It will not do any good to point them out. This is another reason why modeling is so important and a quiet conversation about the day or an examination of conscience at the end of the day can help.
3. Children need practical and clear steps to take to overcome their faults and replace them with virtue. For instance, in the Spark in the Dark Mission, kids learn to ask their parents, "What can I do to help?" each day. The virtue of service can easily be exchanged for a child's laziness or lack of concern for the other.
4. Children need to see their progress makes them happy. This does not always have to be done through tangible rewards but it sure doesn't hurt the young child in the beginning.

You will see a child virtually mature before your eyes when you help them practice virtue. It does not have to be done with a tough and stern parent or teacher barking orders. In fact, I would argue that a child that is constantly rebuked, just learns to comply because he is not self motivated to form himself. Children who choose to form themselves in virtue become virtuous adults. Besides, now learning virtue is fun!